If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
