I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
