hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
