he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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