I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
