i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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