Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This is the high leading the old right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize