is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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