i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
