haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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