How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
