he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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