I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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