if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That accounts for only three of the penises
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
