You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
