"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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