I met the friendliest cop last night
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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