just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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