I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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