he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
