we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
