I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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