Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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