stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
