hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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