My hand turned me down
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
