You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
