I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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