She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My ass is underappreciated
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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