Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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