goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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