hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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