I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
