I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
