someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's rum buckets o'clock
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
