So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
