Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
