please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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