Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
