He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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