I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize