I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
