You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
