i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
