I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize