How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
