I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
