Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He felt like a one man threesome
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
