Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
