I wish I only lived at night.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
