at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
