I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
