Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
