walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
