You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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