It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
