who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Girls should come with a carfax report
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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