guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
