I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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