I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Randomize
