Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
